Chuck Norris, No Joke

Yesterday Camp Blue Diamond had a special visitor: Chuck Norris. Now, many of you might be surprised to learn that, in my opinion, no celebrity has stronger appeal to Soldiers and Marines. Word spread that the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders were going to Camp Ramadi, and we were getting Chuck Norris. Camp Ramadi ended up sending guys over here to see Chuck Norris. The man's career rests on the bubble of what divides A and B list actors--so what's the draw? Well, for starters, the man has been made an honorary Marine, and at 67 years-old, that's pretty impressive. And sure, it doesn't hurt that he's been in dozens of testosterone-driven shoot-em-ups; he's become an icon of toughness. But the appeal is more bizarre and even cultish in nature.


In late 2005, a phenomenon occurred involving jokes that illustrated Chuck Norris' hyperbolic toughness. Nearly every Soldier can tell you his favorite; they're displayed on the inside of just about every Port-a-John in theater. Rarely does your first Chuck Norris joke get you laughing. They're really quite dumb. But once you've heard a few, and you get the gist, you can't help but smile. With literally thousands of these jokes floating around and hundreds of websites devoted to promoting them, a few really good ones have surfaced. Some of my favorites:

• Chuck Norris doesn't read books; he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass; he dares it to grow.
• There is no such thing as extinction--only a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits.
• When Chuck Norris is doing push-ups, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the earth down.
• An episode of Walker: Texas Ranger aired in France. They surrendered just be on the safe side.
• Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make him drink.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
• Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch; he decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity--twice.

As you can see, there is a certain omnipotence implied by these jokes. The refreshing thing is, Chuck Norris is a rather committed Christian, and although he takes the hyperbolic jokes in good humor--he's emphatic about the need to put God first in one's life. During his visit, SGT Tremain asked him who has been most influential in his religious development. He explained his mother taught him faith in Christ, but during his careers in fighting and film making he lost his way. That is, until about ten years ago, when Chuck Norris' then-fiancé explained that if he was going to be in her life, then he needed to get right with the Lord--and stay that way. And so we see that just like the rest of us humans, Chuck Norris knows who's boss--his wife.